Aspirations and the great thinkers

On November 7th I have an appointment with an enrollement officer at Saint Josephs college. I know I shouldn’t be, but I am so nervous. I am trying to not get my hopes up too high because if for some reason the financial aid isn’t available, then there is no way I can do it, but here are my thoughts on all of it.

I am 34 years old and have never been to college. I tell my kids all the time that that should be their goal and to stick it out because it is worth it in the end. Ive started lots of things, and had plenty of ideas to further myself, but without the education to back it up, I get stuck. I was in management with Hannaford for some time and made probably descent money, working my ass off and feeling under appreciated and felt like my skills were never completely utilized. I have this period of time to either do something to fix it and actually do something that will offer my children a better future, or I can just sit here and wait till I have to go back to work and find a job that pays just barely enough but leaves me feeling flat, again.

I have chosen philosophy, after a bit of back and forth. I hear sometimes of that being a useless degree, but I have decided to disagree. A useless degree would be one that doesn’t suit me. One that I wouldnt be passionate about, and after I read some of the class descriptions of several, I knew that was the one that held me captive, that I wanted to explore. I can choose between sociology, psychology and history as a minor as well, and that part I Am unsettled on.

I feel unsure of what I will want to do once I leave school, but I will deal with that later. One step at a time. I think I struggle with the idea of success. I feel like I am a person who watches other people succeed from the sidelines which is why any time i get close to it I tend to get affraid. While I was growing up no one ever told me that I could go to college. I always assumed that only certain people were able to attend and I wasnt one of them. I was very poor, and of course college is very expensive. I guess I wished someone had sat me down and completely explained life to me, the way I try to explain it to my kids. Only now I hope to have something to back that up.

I feel in a sense that this could be the beginning of hte end of the struggle. But mostly I am excited to see what I can learn through some of the greatest thinkers to ever live. I dont expect that I will ever be one of them, but I think “they” make a great deal of sense to me, and I have no option but to pursue it and see where it goes.